The end product is beautiful! A sense of accomplishment engulfs you and you want to show everyone what a masterpiece you have created! But if you rewind just a few chapters back, what do you see? On the table is just a pile of pieces, none of which is interlocking, none of it showing any spectacular picture at all… In fact if you did not know they belonged together and are meant to form a beautiful picture, you might have disgarded those right away! A heap of cardboard, ready for recycling.

In these difficult times, a simple puzzle taught me a few valuable life lessons and unconsciously and unintentionally, prepared me for what was to come.

It has been 10 years since the last time my husband and I built a puzzle of 1000 pieces. That in its own says something of how time has flown by and how little time we as a couple have nowadays to do such things as this was B.C. (before children)! But when this puzzle of 500 pieces caught my eye in the back of the cupboard, at the beginning of lock-down, I thought it will be a good family activity to revisit.

We started enthusiastically, but little did I know, that this would become “my puzzle” and that this puzzle building was a lesson in life for me and maybe others too. It is no wonder the saying goes “getting all the pieces of the puzzle”, it is such a valuable principle to hold onto.

So what was the big deal with puzzle building? To start off with: Don’t be overwhelmed when faced with something that seems too big to handle. When you look at the picture and a massive pile of pieces, you can’t help but wonder, “Am I EVER going to get this right and successfully complete this?” And to be honest, it was not just at the beginning, but often during the process that those sceptical thoughts crossed my mind. But keeping my mind’s eye on the final product, I persevered!

The next thing I learned was: You must have some form of strategy; even if the strategy changes over time. This gives you an immense sense of control (even if it might be a false one at times). Sorting the pieces into going on the perifiry and those used to build the inside, then sorting the pieces according to matching colours and even later the same-shaped pieces… There was still NO picture, but I felt more in control, more inspired and more positive that I will get through this! When feeling overwhelmed, I went back to strategising and looking desperately at other clues, other possible solutions, ANYTHING to keep my hope alive and keeping me from throwing in the towel! And that kept me going.

Lesson no.3: You can’t always rely on others. In the beginning there were lots of volunteers to help, eager little (and big) hands wanting to help build this lovely puzzle… but in the end, I was all alone, having to finish this off without any help. I needed to do all the work myself, having to find it within myself to push through, despite it being hard, time-consuming and lonely! I am definitely a team player, but in some sports, it is all up to you and you alone. YOUR determination, YOUR courage, YOUR positive attitude and no-one can do THAT work on your behalf, only you, yourself. And you will reap the fruits of the work you have put in… physically, but definitely also mentally!

Then there was the lesson of one piece at a time…. Despite my best strategies and plans, there were times when literally NOTHING wanted to work out, piece after piece I tried, but to no avail! But then, one piece at a time, revealed what the next piece should be and stringed together, they slowly but surely also covered the empty spaces, filled the gaps. This torturing slow process was definitely not as I planned or as quick as I would have liked it to be. But by eating the “elephant” in bite sizes, got me through those difficult parts where all the pieces had the same colour and I had no idea which goes where!

No. 5: Making mistakes is part of the success! That seems like an oxymoron, but it is so true!! With every piece that DID NOT fit, I was closer to finding the one that DID fit. And if I knew where it did not fit, I could also try it in another similar space where it just might fit. No wonder Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

And then last, but definitely not least: we don’t always see the bigger picture, but Someone does. If I did not have the picture on the box, I would have been completely lost and would probably never have finished it. But luckily I could constantly go back to the picture, being reminded of what I am working towards, even if what I saw in front of me, was just a pile of coloured cardboard pieces. God knows where He is heading with “my picture”. I just need to trust Him to guide me in the right direction because He sees the end product while I only see the mess in front of me right NOW. Keeping faith that all these pieces WILL in the end fit together and form a beautiful, perfect, complete picture!

And as an afterthought… Get rid of that which is not helpful and don’t try to fit in where you were not meant to be. As I was building the puzzle, this one funny-looking piece kept on popping up. It kept on irritating me as it did not seem to fit anywhere and kept on distracting me, but I was too scared to throw it away. In the end, I discovered, that it was not part of my puzzle and trying to force it into my puzzle, would have been a BIG mistake. Instead, that piece, was a crucial piece to complete another precious puzzle…

So, as we are knee-deep in some of the most difficult times we probably will have to face in our lifetime, don’t forget the simple, but very valuable lessons to be learned from The Puzzle. I leave you with the picture of the puzzle as a reminder, that one day, we will all fly high in the sky again – free and fearless in our colourful, unique balloons.

In all the Corona frenzy, I often find myself wondering why it is so hard for us to be socially isolated, to stay at home and be with our immediate family members? Why is there such a storm of posts on ‘what to do with your kids during the extended school holidays’? Why are parents having crisis upon crisis for someone to take care of their kids when the school can no longer do so? And then there’s the beautiful testimonies from Italy where people are making music on their balconies to keep up the moral and the canals of Venice becoming cristal clear and dolphins spotted in the ocean for the first time in ages!

I think what struck me in these difficult times, is how our family life has changed SO much over the past few decades and realizing what is left of the traditional family structure and how social behaviour within a family has changed. The very sad conclusion I have come to over the past few days, is that there is very little left of that which I (and many others) grew up with about 30 odd years ago and decades before that.

No wonder more and more couples decide NOT to have children or limit the number of kids to one or two, as family life no longer has priority in our modern day society. Is it therefore strange that we see so many unhappy children, such a dramatic increase in mental health problems among children and shocking statistics on suicides amongst teenagers and even young children?

That what is most important of all, is falling by the way side and making space for that what is deemed important by society, the media and social media. Life has become so focused on making money to make ends meet or often just to keep up with the Joneses… So focused on My needs, MY appearance, MY social presense, MY personal achievements, MY goals and dreams, MY career… that OUR marriage and OUR children are often moved to the back burner or is being handled in the free time that is left after all the other boxes were ticked.

Don’t get me wrong, looking after yourself and your own mental health are crucial and we all need to put food on the table, but boy oh boy, have our priorities gotten all messed up over the years! And maybe, just maybe, Corona is here to give us a bit of a reality check… to force us to do stock taking of where the focus of my life is and what the dividents of those investments will be one day.

Have we not become too focused on ME, MYSELF and I? Have we not gotten so trapped in being entertained, being occupied, being busy all the time? Busy with everything outside of our homes – our work, our friends, sports, entertainment and even noble things like voluntary work or church activities. Have we not neglected the little things which are actually the BIG things… Like caring for nature, being committed to our marriage and being actively involved in our children’s every day life (not only attending their sports games) and spending time with our kids without any technology or other entertainment around? We as parents set the stage for our children’s “performance” one day. You might think the school, the teachers, the after-school lady or the nanny or the grandparents can fulfill that role while you are busy with more IMPORTANT things… But that could not be further from the truth.

YOUR children needs YOU… Not to buy whatever they want and saying yes to all their demands and giving them the best of everything, they need YOU. They need you to know what makes them happy and sad; how their day at school really was; what are their deepest fears and biggest dreams; to play sports with them outside (not on a screen); read them a story and put them to bed, rough-housing before bed time; listening to their stories; no matter how long or boring or absurd their stories might be. To correct them in love when they are wrong and to teach them the consequences of their deeds; to show them how to be a gentleman or a good friend; to work according to a budget or how to resolve conflict; to cook a healthy meal or sew on a button…. In short, they need you to be PART of their lives and not only A PART of their lives. After all, it was YOUR choice to have them in the first place!

To conclude – I am a working mom myself and I believe being a parent in this day and age is more difficult than ever before, BUT I believe even more so, that making a daily commitment about where our priorities lie, is absolutely essential for the sustainability of the world we live in and the future of our kids. So take some time in the chaos created by Corona and do some serious introspection, appreciate the little things in life and be present in your children’s lives while you still have the privilege to to so.

So the journey of blogging has begun… Emotions are overwhelming – a combination of excitement, fear, self-doubt and determination, but here we go!!! It has been a deep, deep desire for many years, to share my experiences, thoughts, feelings (and fears…) as an Occupational Therapist (OT) working in Psychiatry, as well as pediatrics for almost 15 years now and also being a devoted mother of three. I have heard so many sad stories and have seen so much pain and my heart can’t help but cry out: “Why are we as parents failing our children on so many levels if a child is the most precious gift from God and we claim to love them so dearly?”

Now what has been the final impitus to put my hand on “paper” for the whole world to see? The very realization that parents out there need to hear the truth – the truth and nothing BUT the truth, spoken in love, but with great vigour – before it is too late. Also to remind myself of the truth, the reality and the consequences if we (my husband and I) fail to remember and implement the very things I am about to share on this blog.

Last night I watched an old (ok VERY old) movie, Mrs. Doubtfire. This comedy classic stars the hilarious Robin Williams (Daniel Hillard) disguising himself as an elderly, female nanny in order for him to see his kids after a bitter divorce. Without giving away the whole story, here is what hit me right between the eyes about this truly classic movie and motivated me to start this blog.

The first and main thing that totally amazed me, was the love this man had for his children. Yes, he definitely lacked other important skills in his marriage and parenting skills. , but boy oh boy, what selfless love did this father have for his kids? When last have you seen this in the money and power driven society we live in, where it is very often about me, myself and I!! He was willing to give up his own ambitions and dreams and comfort, his whole life, in order to just be there with his children for some part of the day after he lost custody . Claiming in court that he has been “insane”, insane about his children since the day they were born! That he is “addicted” to his children – how precious is that!! He worked two jobs, learned how to cook healthy meals and run a household, got a new place and turned it into a home where he could have his children visit and changed himself into a domesticated, well-organised and reliable father. Although his ways in about doing so, were a bit unorthodox and later frowned upon by the judge!!

The second thing that stood out was how he (she) gained authority, respect, co-operation, but also love and adoration with the kids from very early on in their relationship. This was not done by being their friend or trying to get their approval as he started off in the movie, but by providing rules, teaching what is right and wrong, giving punishment, implementing structure and routine. In the end, leaving a massive void when “she” was no longer their nanny as these things were so extremely important after all.

Thirdly, I realized the importance of knowing your children inside out. Knowing what makes them happy, what their favorite activities are and JOINING in on that. Making time to really get to know your kids and making them feel important by engaging in those activities that make them happy. The expression on the little girl’s face when Mrs. Doubtfire mentioned reading her favorite book, was absolutely priceless… In that moment, this “stranger” has conquered her heart!

And then the realization of how CRUCIAL it is in a marriage, especially a marriage with children, to be completely honest WITH and really listen TO your spouse. Could this very sad sequence of events not have been prevented, have the parents regularly had open, serious, difficult conversations? Conversations with regards to their responsibilities in the marriage, with regards to finances, disciplining the children, their frustrations with each other, making their deepest desires or requests known and it being acknowledged by the other person… Yes, there are so many reasons for divorce, but her words: “He could never have a serious conversation”, made me think of so many people who just avoid difficult conversations or conflict without counting the cost in the long run.

It also did not come as a surprise that this movie confirmed one of my most used phrases which I hate to use: “divorce at its very best, is one major mess”. How many children have not gone through what these three children had to go through? The IMMENSE impact divorce has on children can never be underestimated. It is to say the least, extremely traumatic, confusing, scary and difficult. Has it not become too easy (in many cases) to just walk away and think only about getting out of this situation, getting what YOU want/ YOU need/ YOU think YOU deserve, rather than thinking of what your decisions will do to your children or to your spouse. Should it not be the very, very, very last resort – after everything in your ability has been done to try to save the marriage (including introspection, forgiveness, counselling, more forgiveness, prayer and bountiful grace for each others’ iniquities)?

And lastly, in the dying moments of the movie, the terribly sad truth and reality… that in some cases, the marriage really cannot be mended due to which ever reason. And no matter HOW hard the divorce is, it is actually better for everyone, including the children. But they need help, lots and lots of help, to get to a point where they can make peace with everything and find acceptance, new equilibrium, new joy and happiness. Just realizing that you are not responsible, you are not the only one going through this and the knowledge that everything will be OK. Accepting that your family might look different from now on, but you can still be a family and you are still loved, is often a very good start….as spoken by the now iconic TV presenter, MRS DOUBTFIRE (aka Daniel). All his hard work, sacrifice, determination and unfailing love, he invested for his children, paid off in the end… as I believe it always does.

It has been almost 15 years since I graduated as an Occupational Therapist at the University of Stellenbosch (South Africa) working in the field of psychiatry and pediatrics most of that time. It has also been almost 7 years since I became a mother and thereafter two more babies in four years followed!

Before studying, I worked as an au pair in the Netherlands and have been a babysitter since I can remember. I was crazy about babies and have always had a passion for children. I grew up in a loving home with very dedicated parents and a mother who quit her job as a teacher to be a full time mom. She read every single book and attended every seminar on parenting there was, in an attempt to raise us well! So I considered myself really privileged to could have had a SUPER roll model mom.

One would therefore think I had ample knowledge and experience in the field of parenting, but NOTHING could have been further from the truth. Nothing could have prepared me for having my OWN children!!

In an attempt to further increase my knowledge and skill in helping my patients and giving guidens to parents (and helping myself!), I read many books and did numerous courses with regards to early childhood development, child psychology and parenting. I also qualified as an Ayers Sensory Integration Occupational Therapist, completed an advanced course in play therapy and became a SmartBrain (child development institute) instructor.

Still, I don’t have all the answers and I will be searching for them till the day I die!! But in the mean time, I do wish to share some of what I have learned along the way. Maybe, just maybe, the next mom (or dad) might not feel so overwhelmed as I did when becoming a parent or at least can ask-the-OT if need be!!