So the journey of blogging has begun… Emotions are overwhelming – a combination of excitement, fear, self-doubt and determination, but here we go!!! It has been a deep, deep desire for many years, to share my experiences, thoughts, feelings (and fears…) as an Occupational Therapist (OT) working in Psychiatry, as well as pediatrics for almost 15 years now and also being a devoted mother of three. I have heard so many sad stories and have seen so much pain and my heart can’t help but cry out: “Why are we as parents failing our children on so many levels if a child is the most precious gift from God and we claim to love them so dearly?”
Now what has been the final impitus to put my hand on “paper” for the whole world to see? The very realization that parents out there need to hear the truth – the truth and nothing BUT the truth, spoken in love, but with great vigour – before it is too late. Also to remind myself of the truth, the reality and the consequences if we (my husband and I) fail to remember and implement the very things I am about to share on this blog.
Last night I watched an old (ok VERY old) movie, Mrs. Doubtfire. This comedy classic stars the hilarious Robin Williams (Daniel Hillard) disguising himself as an elderly, female nanny in order for him to see his kids after a bitter divorce. Without giving away the whole story, here is what hit me right between the eyes about this truly classic movie and motivated me to start this blog.
The first and main thing that totally amazed me, was the love this man had for his children. Yes, he definitely lacked other important skills in his marriage and parenting skills. , but boy oh boy, what selfless love did this father have for his kids? When last have you seen this in the money and power driven society we live in, where it is very often about me, myself and I!! He was willing to give up his own ambitions and dreams and comfort, his whole life, in order to just be there with his children for some part of the day after he lost custody . Claiming in court that he has been “insane”, insane about his children since the day they were born! That he is “addicted” to his children – how precious is that!! He worked two jobs, learned how to cook healthy meals and run a household, got a new place and turned it into a home where he could have his children visit and changed himself into a domesticated, well-organised and reliable father. Although his ways in about doing so, were a bit unorthodox and later frowned upon by the judge!!
The second thing that stood out was how he (she) gained authority, respect, co-operation, but also love and adoration with the kids from very early on in their relationship. This was not done by being their friend or trying to get their approval as he started off in the movie, but by providing rules, teaching what is right and wrong, giving punishment, implementing structure and routine. In the end, leaving a massive void when “she” was no longer their nanny as these things were so extremely important after all.
Thirdly, I realized the importance of knowing your children inside out. Knowing what makes them happy, what their favorite activities are and JOINING in on that. Making time to really get to know your kids and making them feel important by engaging in those activities that make them happy. The expression on the little girl’s face when Mrs. Doubtfire mentioned reading her favorite book, was absolutely priceless… In that moment, this “stranger” has conquered her heart!
And then the realization of how CRUCIAL it is in a marriage, especially a marriage with children, to be completely honest WITH and really listen TO your spouse. Could this very sad sequence of events not have been prevented, have the parents regularly had open, serious, difficult conversations? Conversations with regards to their responsibilities in the marriage, with regards to finances, disciplining the children, their frustrations with each other, making their deepest desires or requests known and it being acknowledged by the other person… Yes, there are so many reasons for divorce, but her words: “He could never have a serious conversation”, made me think of so many people who just avoid difficult conversations or conflict without counting the cost in the long run.
It also did not come as a surprise that this movie confirmed one of my most used phrases which I hate to use: “divorce at its very best, is one major mess”. How many children have not gone through what these three children had to go through? The IMMENSE impact divorce has on children can never be underestimated. It is to say the least, extremely traumatic, confusing, scary and difficult. Has it not become too easy (in many cases) to just walk away and think only about getting out of this situation, getting what YOU want/ YOU need/ YOU think YOU deserve, rather than thinking of what your decisions will do to your children or to your spouse. Should it not be the very, very, very last resort – after everything in your ability has been done to try to save the marriage (including introspection, forgiveness, counselling, more forgiveness, prayer and bountiful grace for each others’ iniquities)?
And lastly, in the dying moments of the movie, the terribly sad truth and reality… that in some cases, the marriage really cannot be mended due to which ever reason. And no matter HOW hard the divorce is, it is actually better for everyone, including the children. But they need help, lots and lots of help, to get to a point where they can make peace with everything and find acceptance, new equilibrium, new joy and happiness. Just realizing that you are not responsible, you are not the only one going through this and the knowledge that everything will be OK. Accepting that your family might look different from now on, but you can still be a family and you are still loved, is often a very good start….as spoken by the now iconic TV presenter, MRS DOUBTFIRE (aka Daniel). All his hard work, sacrifice, determination and unfailing love, he invested for his children, paid off in the end… as I believe it always does.
Ask-the-OT 